Not Running A Sexhouse and Birthing Center In My Yard for Feral Cats and Bunnies

Hey, Feral Cats and Bunnies, guess what, I’m not running a sexhouse and birthing center in my yard for you anymore! I’m done playing nice, you’ve cost me a fortune and the whole lot of you need to f@#k right off.

For two years in a row I’ve been shlepping kittens over to that cat gong show - Craig Street Cats… they do laudable work, but let me tell you the woman who runs that place is one cracker short of bonkers.

You bring in some kittens in hopes of preventing them from freezing to death under your shed come winter…kittens that were not easy to nab in the first place. They are little and cunning and fast! But you’re determined because life in an Osborne Village back alley is a cruel fate. And you snag the cute little buggers and bring them to the cat shelter while your kids are chirping "Can we we keep 'em? Can we keep 'em?" NO!!

You feel like Kitty Superwoman! But within five minutes you’re the Village’s newest Feral Cat Den Mother…or “Colony Manager” as the cat shelter crazies like to call it.

But all I wanted to do was save a few kittens!

I had to sign a lengthy contract promising to care for these feral creatures – feed them, give them a warm place to sleep, tuck them in at night. So by doing this aren’t we ensuring that I’m setting up a permanent birthing center in my yard? But okay, I’ll sign whatever you want me to sign…just get me out of this crazy cat haven and keep the kittens.

Not so fast. The Craig Street Cat Lady foists a trap into my arms and tells me to nab the mama of these adorable little fuzz–faced creatures. Bring her back to the shelter, pay $50 to have her spayed and then release her. But, there’s a catch – no pun intended - if I happen to trap any of the other 50 million feral Village cats running amuck I have to bring them in too and get them spayed or neutered. At my expense. Okay. Righto. Will do.

But, wait, that cat lady is onto something. Spaying the mom is actually not a half bad idea. Think of all the future generations of dumpster-diving-feral-kitties I will prevent from being born - under my trampoline.

Three cats. Several trips over to Cat Town. $150. And one year later there are no fresh kittens under my shed…so far! Halleluiah.

Wait, not so fast!

Hello Bunnies! Baby bunnies all over the freaking place. The yard is crawling with them. And there is no feral bunny shelter where you can drop these things off if you had the time or inclination to try and catch them. I’m currently Internet researching how to spay wild bunnies myself. It doesn’t seem like this is a common practice.

I invested a fortune in plants last year (like I could have bougt a new car)…I might as well have bought a bag of rabbit food. The kittens were better because at least you can control their population and they don't spend ALL day grazing on your latest hobby - gardening.

Maybe there is this whole natural order of the animal universe thing that I should respect because every time I eliminate one species a new one will move in. After the bunnies, what’s next? Squirrels? Snakes? Maybe the the tattoo parlour in the back parking pad next door will expand into my lot. At least they wouldn't eat my plants. Or, maybe they would?