Poked in the Ass With A Stick.

Why the fuck would anyone trap themselves in a car with a 3 year old and a 6 year old for six weeks?

When we plan these trips it's like we suffer amnesia disorder from the previous summer because we do this every year. We started when our daughter Isla was 9 months old.

Our Yakima is covered in National Park decals from Yosemite to Yellowstone. We should have been plastering it with labels from all the local beer and wine we'd been driven to drink! That would be wayyy cooler and a way more accurate representation of how these trips actually roll.

When we are in the throngs of these adventures there are moments, well, long stretches, quite frankly that are nightmarish.

-Isla, no yelling in the car.

- I wasn't yelling. I was screaming!

-Well whatever the f&#k you are doing please stop because our brains are about to implode.

- No. No! NO!

All of this while having to listen to the minions from Despicable Me soundtrack blasting some Boy Band song. Really, it's enough to want to stick your head in the car engine.

We put Isla in the ditch for a few minutes. As we wait for her to cool her jet engines I ask Rob if it would be wrong to drive away. Just a kilometre or so. I recall this being my day's only parenting technique when I was a kid. I clearly remember chasing the car down on the Trans Canada Highway somewhere around Swift Current. And those trips were only a week or two....because he'd turn the car around and head home long before we reached our destination.

The tantrums. Being poked in the ass with a stick by my 6 year old when I'm trying to start a fire in the rain. And when we do get a hotel the kids are like raccoons eating everything out of the mini fridge while we're in the shower. Good thing we got a great deal on a hotel, because the price was just jacked up with $9 M&Ms and $6 ginger ale.

But then I have this conversation with my daughter:

Isla: Are we going to see whales?

Me: Yes!

Isla: are they going to be trapped behind glass?

Me: They will be in the ocean.

Isla: Whales in the ocean! Wow!

And it's all worthwhile!

But would you freaking please stop yelling!