Reverse Psychology Resolutions
Every January I make a truckload of resolutions and then break all of them within the first two weeks. This year I've devised a bunch of Reverse Psychology Resolutions. So when I break them, I will actually be tricking myself into better behaviour. Brilliant!
1. Devote no more than a few minutes a day to writing novels, scripts and coming up with original blog content. So much great, funny material can be pulled right off the Net and you don’t even have to source it, because everyone shares everything anyway and no one really gives a shit who wrote it in the first place.
2. Become the biggest social media whore there ever was. Have overly personal conversations with people on Twitter. #hashtageverything. Make status updates my main reading material; and for the love of Pete, fuck the stack of books on the nightstand.
3. Get a refund on my Crossfit membership. Failing that, demand that they get foam weights. Do not get stronger because women with muscles are gross and unsexy. Hello Bikini Bridge and Thigh Gap!
Yup, I really want rock this look....
(Credit to my friendLindy Ludohowskifor alerting me to such trends.)
4. Drink more. Way, way more. My writing is sooooo much better when I drink.
5. Spend 50% more money on shit that I don’t need – like shoes, lattes, hair removal systems with particular emphasis on:
Products from China and other countries that do not have child labour laws.
Products that fuck the environment.
Products that promise to make me look younger and be less of a bitch.
Should I get these?
6. Scream at my kids at least three times a day because study after study has proven that this is an effective parenting strategy to modify negative behaviour in children.
7. Designate flour, sugar, alcohol and nitrates as my four main food groups of 2014.
8. “To Do” Lists are out in 2014. Time to hone and nurture all of my ADHD tendencies. Focused, organized people have been proven to be less creatively productive according to a study I did on myself.
9. Stop wasting away my life sleeping. Go to bed at least an hour later every night, and never until the bottle is empty.
10. Failure is inevitable. This statement should inform and penetrate everything that I do, or don’t do, in 2014.
I think this Reverse Psychology thing is working. I’ve already broken #1 by writing this post!
P.S. One more resolution...I am trying not to build my blog readership...I really want to keep it to something between me and the two of you reading this right now...so if you enjoyed this post please do not bang one of those social media buttons below!